2023 and how would my life be

oh, it's 2023 already. days went by too fast just like the previous one. i would be upset back then but this is just what i want now. things are super weird these days and i don't think i can handle them anymore so they better go as quick as they can. such experiences happened before but to compare with the ones i face at the moment... whoa those were nothing. hence, i come to a realization that i'm strong enough as i can survive well for the past two years. i know that everyone has their own struggles and mine might seem easy for others but not for me... not at all.

i also think my personality has been changing a lot. i'm sort of worried about myself, to be honest. i know it because i'm feeling bad whenever i accidentally do things out of control and turn the situation into a fuss. my mood goes upside down so easily and i hate it. i can sing after waking up in the morning and after coming to the office and sitting down on my chair, i'd become such a different person with no smile and no talking at all until lunch hour. i know it but i just cannot change it right away.

everyone probably notices that i am super annoying. only if they knew i didn't behave like this in the past. i regret that i have to act this way but i have no idea how to change it as well. i think i'd be better if i go out and will not come back, but that's too impossible. i'm in a prisonlike situation with 4 years left. i have made a plan for my life after that though and i can only wish that it would run as i expected for all this time.

hahaha i start a new year with grumbling. what a life, really.

i don't think i am me now

the past two weeks have been difficult for me. i feel like drowning somewhere that makes me not me anymore. i feel afraid, in pain, sad, confused, and angry, all of the negative vibes hit me really bad. i know myself better than anyone so i know something wrong happens at the moment. i want to run and disappear and just leave everyone behind. i wanna be free but there's a wall in front of me that i can't even climb, at least for now because i still need to wait. i do hope the bomb won't suddenly explode, hope it'd ring the bell first so i can prepare myself. it'd be even better if i can throw away the bomb so i won't hurt myself or anyone around me.

Continuing the draft I had in January 2022: I Don't Know How 2022 Would Gonna Be

so i had this on my draft since January 7th 2022.

“so the last time was 2019, huh?

hi again, then. happy new year. happy 2022. we're still with corona by the way.

well, now i'm working as a banker, it's been a year already. still far from home and family and friends. never imagine i'd go this far. i mean i planned this, but not this far. lol.

adultlife is hell. that is true and everyone should know that. i don't know that's probably i'm the one who is unlucky enough, but at least i found that most of my friends experience the difficulties i have to face.

ok for now let aside my negative vibes for a moment. let's look deeper into the positive energy that we can bring to go further in 2022.

i honestly still try to find the meaning of living this life since it's getting harder day by day. moreover when you're working on som…”

it ended that way. and here now i’m gonna proceed my words after 7 months 🙂

there were lots of upside down i got to face since 2019 till now.