coming back again in 2026

hahaha it’s been sooo long!

things have definitely gotten better. i finally moved back to the city i left about 10 years ago. it’s been 2 years since i returned. my personality has improved a lot too. i’m now surrounded by my lovely friends (though i still love spending time alone at home).

the only problem is, a doctor suggested that i see a psychiatrist because i might have something going on with my brain. but she also said that if everything turns out fine, then i should see a neurologist instead. i haven’t had the time—or the “confidence”—to make an appointment, because i’m… worried. i’m scared to find out what’s actually wrong with me. but whatever this is, it’s starting to affect my daily life.

anyway, i just got engaged—about a month ago. wow.

it honestly wasn’t part of my 2026 plan. i’m still kind of surprised at myself. all this time, i’ve always had so many dreams, but somehow i never included a “partner” in any of them. maybe because since 2019, i haven’t really had anyone. i was fully focused on myself, so naturally, all the dreams i built were just… mine. i never imagined having someone to share my future with.

but now, everything has changed.

i got engaged to the same person i was with back in 2015–2019. after that, we still met once a year, but i never had any intention of getting back together with him. until mid-2025, when we met again—and somehow, everything felt different.

i guess i gave him another chance, just to see what was really behind him coming back into my life. and yeah… earlier this year, he said he wanted to come to my city—to propose.

lol. what a surprise.

if you ask me whether i’m happy right now—yes, i am.

but i don’t know if it’s because of this “brain issue” or something else, sometimes things get a little hard… with myself. and the only way i know how to deal with it is by staying quiet.

honestly, i’m a bit scared of myself sometimes. i don’t want this to affect my partner. he actually knows about my condition, and he’s suggested that i see a psychologist. maybe… it’s just about timing, until i’m truly ready to take that step.

i really hope that whatever this is, it won’t affect my relationship—especially since it’s heading toward something more serious, which is marriage.

alright, i should get back to work now.
maybe i’ll talk to you again later.

bye.

2023 and how would my life be

oh, it's 2023 already. days went by too fast just like the previous one. i would be upset back then but this is just what i want now. things are super weird these days and i don't think i can handle them anymore so they better go as quick as they can. such experiences happened before but to compare with the ones i face at the moment... whoa those were nothing. hence, i come to a realization that i'm strong enough as i can survive well for the past two years. i know that everyone has their own struggles and mine might seem easy for others but not for me... not at all.

i also think my personality has been changing a lot. i'm sort of worried about myself, to be honest. i know it because i'm feeling bad whenever i accidentally do things out of control and turn the situation into a fuss. my mood goes upside down so easily and i hate it. i can sing after waking up in the morning and after coming to the office and sitting down on my chair, i'd become such a different person with no smile and no talking at all until lunch hour. i know it but i just cannot change it right away.

everyone probably notices that i am super annoying. only if they knew i didn't behave like this in the past. i regret that i have to act this way but i have no idea how to change it as well. i think i'd be better if i go out and will not come back, but that's too impossible. i'm in a prisonlike situation with 4 years left. i have made a plan for my life after that though and i can only wish that it would run as i expected for all this time.

hahaha i start a new year with grumbling. what a life, really.

i don't think i am me now

the past two weeks have been difficult for me. i feel like drowning somewhere that makes me not me anymore. i feel afraid, in pain, sad, confused, and angry, all of the negative vibes hit me really bad. i know myself better than anyone so i know something wrong happens at the moment. i want to run and disappear and just leave everyone behind. i wanna be free but there's a wall in front of me that i can't even climb, at least for now because i still need to wait. i do hope the bomb won't suddenly explode, hope it'd ring the bell first so i can prepare myself. it'd be even better if i can throw away the bomb so i won't hurt myself or anyone around me.